my world was almost crushed last week.

i got down on my knees for the first time in months and humbly prayed for hope… peace… anything that will sustain my family. anything that would help us rely on Him and know that everything will be alright.

but He doesn’t offer that everything will be how we want or expect them to be… but rather He says He will make all things work for Good for those that LOVE HIM!

so at this point I question to what point do I love my God to where I’m not daily going to Him for my trials, hopes, dreams, and failures- to look for hope in disaster. is it love to only return to a place called home when you are without anything else to hold onto? obviously His love is there to call home, but where is my recipication,

why am i not turned by awestruck? how do I live in both realities of life? the true life wrestles with the lies of the false security of the here and now.

being in this place of desperation i have learned that i can never go back. that there is nothing to go back to except emptiness. hollow love and empty hearts trapped inside desire.

i have broken free.  i stand a living testimony of retribution. of renewal. of a heart captured by the Lover of my Soul, JEsus. HIs name is Jesus, and He saved me from myself. 

I wrote a song last week. about my frustration of familial selfishness with life. oh how we take it for granted until threats arise, hidden threats. i wrote of lies deceiving, and wanting to get out of this state and nothing is capable even the very people that love her most (myself), but the stating HIS name is the freedom from bondage- papa father abba daddy please save me from myself. I know for that person He will.

Peace is the overwhelming feeling I was somehow capable of grasping that afternoon on my knees with God. one minute i was balling my eyes out- the next overcome with joy and a peace of heart that is beyond understanding. 

this is my testimony of fear, weakness, humility, and Godly strength that is only attainable through trusting Him with everything- even the very state that could determine every moment of the rest of your life.

remember you’re not in control of what lies ahead anyway. you can plan and set goals. but He determines our steps. He gives an overwhelming sense of peace beyond understanding.

used. that’s what i was. many times ive been there but why is it different now?

used. so they could feel in the moment, less-lonely for a night, appreciated.

used. is starting to have less meaning, what is the worth of something broken?

used. i did use also, to get what i want, to erase from my mind the happening.

used. im used to being used now, almost habitual except rejection slaps the stare.

used. is it accepted just because we all do it- sometimes conciously others not.

used. my eyes are angry, my heart hot, jealousy at the tip, what’s to come of it?

I used to use myself to get what i wanted in return letting others use me, not sexually, but in a way that still you feel like there’s less now. how could you fail again? i used up my chances, struck out, head down, lost in defeat. they used me to forget, to remember, to feel, to hate, to love, to be something outside of yourself for a time.

used. i dont want to stick to the routine of it, to allow it any longer is to feed it and to give life to it. choking it out- let it not breathe again- so that it is over- and i am once again whole in myself.

renewed. only in Christ, as i still learn to surrender, stare in the eyes of my Savior.

renewed. i cant forget those i loathed, forgive those who used, forgive myself.

renewed. at last i can have hope in a beginning, instead of a spiral downward…

like the rest of those who use others because they feel used and in turn use themselves to get what they want and not what they need- which is renewal.

Oh God how you can use people and change the ways we do things through loving our hearts. last night You urged ____ to open up also allowed me to be vulnerable. and now we are able to joke about it and be on the same page to be open. but with a new breeze comes a familiar smell of temptation. the desire to let the wind blow me off course and to dance in the desires of my own flesh has been a challenge for me for so long. what do i have to hold onto with the wind blowing my feet from underneith me. my footing lies in where my mind lies and my hearst true desires. why do i have to fight? why can’t this just be easier? with my mind i follow but my heart continues to move left and right instead of forward.

reading reminds. listening speaks. touch kills. letting go strangles.

moving forward or letting go do they correlate or is one asking to move before the other and give chance to my chest erupting from within. i have almost given up so many times. i see light in the distance. when i was in complete darkness i saw You not. even though a glimpse is what i’ve asked for in my most desperate times i seem it still out of reach. my finger tips don’t reach the light yet. i reject the warmth because what else would i have to hold onto other than my pain.

i would be completely lonely without my pain to remind me of my life that wishes to be enriched.

take this away Jesus.

what must i do. die to myself and my will and give into Yours. You have the ultimate loving perfect will but where do i lie within it?

answers i seek not but only to seek Your face and Your presence, let there not be any room for deceit or sin.

> love Your daughter,

i miss you and need help

i layed in bed last night feeling truly hopeless that the basis of what my life has been built on was starting to completely crumble, for what it feels like the first time ever i almost gave up completely on God because “what is the point?” i asked this to my dearest friend that called and could hear my agony. firmly recognizing my ability to belive the lies she spoke truth, so much that tears welled up and at last calmed me to doze off, and the seconds after when i awoke i felt lighter. but my heart still had this anger burning up of all those people who say they want to be close to me then resent me for being pushy and aggressive. and then as i was thinking of all those who speak hate against me, she says “i love you”, simple, the reassuring words of the one person (other than God) that knew the worst depths of me telling me “i love you, what you do is not who you are, you’re not your sin, God loves you”.

then i awaken to her call and her greeting with fresh coffee and donuts, what feels like an angel just walked inside my room to read to me about Jesus and to bring me gifts that start my day off with joy. the soft firm hug of a sister, revisited at last. how i’ve missed you, my sister who is so intune to my heart. stay close, im not leaving. and thank you for being such a blessing, so that my heart can know truth, my eyes can see Jesus again, and that my life can finally be full again.

Papa, please bless her and help her continue being a light to the world. Amen I’m IN!