lizzay sho

used. that’s what i was. many times ive been there but why is it different now?

used. so they could feel in the moment, less-lonely for a night, appreciated.

used. is starting to have less meaning, what is the worth of something broken?

used. i did use also, to get what i want, to erase from my mind the happening.

used. im used to being used now, almost habitual except rejection slaps the stare.

used. is it accepted just because we all do it- sometimes conciously others not.

used. my eyes are angry, my heart hot, jealousy at the tip, what’s to come of it?

I used to use myself to get what i wanted in return letting others use me, not sexually, but in a way that still you feel like there’s less now. how could you fail again? i used up my chances, struck out, head down, lost in defeat. they used me to forget, to remember, to feel, to hate, to love, to be something outside of yourself for a time.

used. i dont want to stick to the routine of it, to allow it any longer is to feed it and to give life to it. choking it out- let it not breathe again- so that it is over- and i am once again whole in myself.

renewed. only in Christ, as i still learn to surrender, stare in the eyes of my Savior.

renewed. i cant forget those i loathed, forgive those who used, forgive myself.

renewed. at last i can have hope in a beginning, instead of a spiral downward…

like the rest of those who use others because they feel used and in turn use themselves to get what they want and not what they need- which is renewal.

Oh God how you can use people and change the ways we do things through loving our hearts. last night You urged ____ to open up also allowed me to be vulnerable. and now we are able to joke about it and be on the same page to be open. but with a new breeze comes a familiar smell of temptation. the desire to let the wind blow me off course and to dance in the desires of my own flesh has been a challenge for me for so long. what do i have to hold onto with the wind blowing my feet from underneith me. my footing lies in where my mind lies and my hearst true desires. why do i have to fight? why can’t this just be easier? with my mind i follow but my heart continues to move left and right instead of forward.

reading reminds. listening speaks. touch kills. letting go strangles.

moving forward or letting go do they correlate or is one asking to move before the other and give chance to my chest erupting from within. i have almost given up so many times. i see light in the distance. when i was in complete darkness i saw You not. even though a glimpse is what i’ve asked for in my most desperate times i seem it still out of reach. my finger tips don’t reach the light yet. i reject the warmth because what else would i have to hold onto other than my pain.

i would be completely lonely without my pain to remind me of my life that wishes to be enriched.

take this away Jesus.

what must i do. die to myself and my will and give into Yours. You have the ultimate loving perfect will but where do i lie within it?

answers i seek not but only to seek Your face and Your presence, let there not be any room for deceit or sin.

> love Your daughter,

i miss you and need help

i layed in bed last night feeling truly hopeless that the basis of what my life has been built on was starting to completely crumble, for what it feels like the first time ever i almost gave up completely on God because “what is the point?” i asked this to my dearest friend that called and could hear my agony. firmly recognizing my ability to belive the lies she spoke truth, so much that tears welled up and at last calmed me to doze off, and the seconds after when i awoke i felt lighter. but my heart still had this anger burning up of all those people who say they want to be close to me then resent me for being pushy and aggressive. and then as i was thinking of all those who speak hate against me, she says “i love you”, simple, the reassuring words of the one person (other than God) that knew the worst depths of me telling me “i love you, what you do is not who you are, you’re not your sin, God loves you”.

then i awaken to her call and her greeting with fresh coffee and donuts, what feels like an angel just walked inside my room to read to me about Jesus and to bring me gifts that start my day off with joy. the soft firm hug of a sister, revisited at last. how i’ve missed you, my sister who is so intune to my heart. stay close, im not leaving. and thank you for being such a blessing, so that my heart can know truth, my eyes can see Jesus again, and that my life can finally be full again.

Papa, please bless her and help her continue being a light to the world. Amen I’m IN!

if what i am is the best i can be in these circumstances but i am unhappy, do i fall into societies hopelessness and try to fix my unhappiness or rather chose the first and change the circumstances of which i fall into and those attitudes i could possibly try changing as well as my actions which tear my heart into pieces of ash… i haven’t figured out which one i am doing or want to do or can do… but my inaction has cost me more deficit than my action to of course CHANGE. this word frightens me. my inner most being longs for something new, a washing of water over my soul to clense all of me.         why have i waited so long to even question myself?

what true assessment of others can i make without calling myself out and the pity i allow myself to get caught up in. if i believed i were truly clean i would live that way, because who would mar such a jem, a priceless bundle of art?

my selfishness has overtaken me by loss of self worth followed my pity. guilt. twistings inside. my life is not was it was. — was i happy with what that WAS was? i’m not happy now but why do i wish i was what i WAS when all i can think about it what i want to be. be BRIGHTER. JOYFUL. CARING. SELFLESS. LEADER. FOLLOWER of good character. a daughter of TRUTH. an OWNER of my consequences to TEACH those who also fall behind me.

i have asked you to show up. you did last night. i cried. you comforted me. i fell again. why must i fall, cringe in hatred, be so imperfect? why am i so discouraged to go read your answers for me again? you promise me strength, but i am so AFRAID of failing that my focus is on nothing other that it— leading to my failure. what must i look up-eyes forward towards? my heart can’t take much more. my life is worth more.

i am in a family of 7. i just want to feel chosen by them. i am here. that is my vulnerability. won’t you take me instead of mock me, disrespect me, push me, make me cry, look through me, not hear me? i got so used to being alone that when you said you were “faught” for me i had nothing other than my comfort of lonliness as well as my indulgence of losing myself in a crowd of those who don’t know me. but you know me… you know what hurts me, what can break me, how to tear at me, to belittle me, to forget me, to reject me, to leave me behind. no you don’t know me. if you tried you would have received. if you wanted you would fight for me. not by giving me things, but by sharing your own heart because thats how i feel loved. letting me cry in your arms. thats how i feel loved. so next time you say i love you, ask yourself if i can remotely even feel the spark, because a clear coat of a hug painted on nice and thick, only hides the unfinished look of whats underneath. i am broken. now my God… my family…

WON’t yOu SHoW uP?….